Relationship Questionnaire

Relationship Questionnaire

The following are some questions about relationships. Take your time in answering them. Allow yourself to be honest, and really consider your answers. If you come to a question that makes you say “I don’t know”, stop and look at that. The truth is you do know. It’s important to consider what your answers are telling you about the quality of your relationship.

1)      What were your beliefs about relationships before you met your partner?

2)      What attracted you to your partner?

3)      Have you ever had doubts about the relationship?

4)      How did you address these doubts?

5)      How do you express positive emotions and feelings to your partner?

6)      How does your partner express positive emotions and feelings to you?

7)      How do you express negative emotions and feelings to your partner?

8)      How does your partner express negative emotions and feelings to you?

9)      Do you trust your partner?

10)   Does your partner trust you?

11)   Does your partner speak to you with respect and kindness?

12)   Are you able to have meaningful conversations with your partner?

13)   How many hours per week do you and your partner engage in meaningful conversation?

14)   List the activities you and your partner enjoying doing together.

15)   Is your partner aware of any activities that you do not enjoy?

16)   Are you aware of the activities that your partner does not enjoy doing?

17)   Do you share equally in responsibilities?

18)   Do you share equally in decision making?

19)   Is there ever a time when your opinion goes unspoken?

20)   Is there ever a time when your partner’s opinion goes unspoken?

21)   How is conflict handled?

22)   How comfortable is your partner in addressing conflicting issues with you?

23)   How comfortable are you in addressing conflicting issues with your partner?

24)   How are sexual differences handled?

25)   Has there ever been a time when you felt sexually uncomfortable and felt unable to speak to your partner about it?

26)   How did this get addressed?

27)   Do you or your partner ever feel pressured to do anything sexually that you do not want to do?

28)   Is your partner emotionally available to you when you are experiencing stress or crisis?

29)   Are you emotionally available to your partner?

30)   Are you able to enjoy time apart with the understanding that it is a healthy part of your relationship?

31)   Do you each have your own friends and interests?

32)   Does your partner feel happy about good things that happen to you?

33)   Does your partner listen to you?

34)   Does your partner share any of the same beliefs and values?

35)   Are you and your partner able to respect and listen to each other even when you have different opinions on a topic?

It's About Quality

Ever had a relationship that felt like there was something missing? Ever struggled in attempting to connect with your significant other? Perhaps you felt like you were not being understood, or the two of you were just not on the same page. Did you continue holding your partner’s hand anyway, with a silly grin on your face while the back of your head said “I don’t know….”

This is, unfortunately, a lot of people’s relationships. Not connecting. Wanting to connect, trying to connect, utilizing every resource inside of oneself in order to connect, and still missing the mark.

Connecting with another human being is not about the number of dates you go on, or the amount of childhood stories you share. It’s not about the amount of time you spend together, it’s about the quality of that time.

Think about the best non-romantic relationship you have. Perhaps it is with a best friend, or a parent, or your favorite aunt. How did that relationship form? Why do you feel connected to that person? My assumption would be that this other person sees the world in a similar way as yourself. Not only do you feel your beliefs and values are understood by this person, they are supported and validated as well. The relationship is strong because there is quality in your interactions; the time that you spend with each other is fulfilling and meaningful. I would also suspect that this relationship was rather easy to create. You did not stay up all night crying about uncertainties, or lamenting to your friends about the things that are not working. It developed naturally, without any pressure. You never had a hidden agenda when you were spending time with this person.

If you are putting a lot of effort in trying to build a relationship with someone; having to change, asking them to change, trying to do things differently …

That effort is wasted energy. When a relationship is good and fulfilling, it’s effortless. When two complete strangers click, it’s effortless. All the people I have in my life were once strangers, and the relationships happened because we had things in common. We had similar interests, when we talked to each other we feed off of each other’s ideas. We enjoyed each other’s company because we were doing activities that we both loved. Relationships, real good relationship, are effortless. You don’t have to try.

I’m not saying that there’s no work involved and every day is nothing but contentment. What I mean by “effortless” is that the work that is necessary is worth doing because the bigger picture is based on fulfillment and connection. The bigger picture is not some idealization you have about what a good relationship could look like, the bigger picture is a real, tangible thing, that already exists in your relationship. When your relationship is more often than not, based on connection and meaning, any work that is needed feels undoubtedly worth it.

Is this working?

Relationships. The romantic kind. They’re funny things. Exciting. Stimulating. Painful. Relationships are the topic of many conversations. They motivate us, encourage us, drive us to succeed, and drive us to distraction.

When I talk to people about relationships, when I watch TV, or read advertisements in  magazines, it becomes unbelievably clear to me that the way we have defined, and began to understand relationships is not working effectively.  I’ve noticed a lot of  insecurity around it. In fact, when I typed “insecurity” into the online thesaurus, the first thing that came up was a link to “relationship insecurity”. We are insecure. We are insecure when in relationships and we are insecure when single. I talk to more and more people who are unsure about what they want, who they are, where they stand. People think they will find this completeness they are lacking once they pair up with someone else; “if I could just find the one, then I would be happy”.  This is quite often an ineffective way of doing things. People have a tendency to lose themselves, to lose who they really are, while trying desperately to connect with someone who is not right for them.

It is more effective to live in alignment with yourself, and then build relationships with people who are in alignment with you. When I’ve seen relationships that are working really well, and the people seem connected to each other, when I ask them, the individuals will often say “that person is perfect for me”. What they mean is, the other person is compatible with them, they share the same interests and values, they see the world through similar eyes. They mean they feel supported, understood, and valued by the other person. That person plays such an important role in their life that they could not be replaced by anyone else; that person is perfect for them.

Unfortunately, many people are not in relationships with those who are perfect for them,  a lot of people seem to be in relationships just because. It’s as if they feel obligated to be partnered up with someone, and as such, a lot of people are in unfulfilling relationships or relationships where they don’t really connect with one another.

People have been known to put a lot of time and energy into those who are not perfect for them; into those who just do not line up with who they are, and then they are confused about why the relationship didn’t work out. “I did everything the way I should have, I was faithful, I treated him well”. They don’t realize that relationships don’t always end because somebody did something wrong, they often end because the two people just didn’t compliment each other. The compatibility was not there, and that’s okay. We are not going to line up with everybody. And that’s why I believe in the value of living in alignment with yourself; of building a relationship with who you are; becoming clear on your goals and desires and values. Because once these are clear, you are going to start attracting people into your life who line up with those desires and values. It will help you to recognize those who relate to you and those who do not, so you will be a lot clearer in the kind of people you enjoy spending time with.