Relationships Are Easy

I was talking to a dear friend about relationships. She is currently in a good one, with a boy whom she connects in a way she never imagined (she never dated much, and never saw herself settling down). She mentioned how easy the relationship is; they just are. They simply hang out with each other, enjoy one another’s company, and it’s easy.

That got me to thinking about how easy life is. Life is meant to be simple. Look at nature. Effortless. A tree grows through rock in the mountains with ease and grace. Look at the cycles. Effortless. Grass grows without effort. Wind blows without effort. Life is meant to be easy.

We are nature. Why do we insist on making things so complicated for ourselves? We can choose to have an easy life. We can choose to have easy relationships.

So many people try in relationships. They have conversation after conversation about how to alter their dynamic so they can be “right” for one other.  They come up with tests that the other person has to pass. When there is a sense that something is not working, or not lining up, they try really hard to make it work. But the best relationships are those that happen with ease; those that just are, because life is meant to be easy and relationships are meant to be easy.

The best relationships happen naturally, without effort. They happen because the two people simply jive with each other. When we are living in alignment with ourselves, it’s easy. Think about your best friend. I assume there was not a lot of effort that caused the two of you to become best friends. It was just a few conversations. You were strangers, you hung out, you really connected, so you hung out some more. Without effort; without motivation; without “I hope this person will be my future best friend” when you’ve only just gotten to know them. Instead, we think “that person was cool, I hope we hang out again sometime”, and it is not clouded with a yearning; with a desperate sense of “oh I hope they call”. Over time and over many conversations, that person grew naturally into your best friend.

You never say to your buddy, “hey, we need to talk about our relationship because I want to be best friends with you and there are some things that are not working”. It is not fight after fight, There is not an effort to change a lot of things, or make a large amount of compromises.

It developed naturally. It developed without assumption or expectation. The relationship happened almost without any effort from yourself. It happened easily; like a tree pushing through rock.

If this hasn’t happened for you, be gentle with yourself. You just haven’t met them yet.

Martin Buber's I-Thou Relationships

In the midst of creating my last blog post; Objectifying Others, I was given a ten page paper to complete about Martin Buber’s I and Thou relationships. I smiled at the coincidence, for Buber and I share some of the same perspectives when it comes to the ways in which people interact with one another. The following is an excerpt from that paper:

We live in a world of objects; of things. We desire ownership, finding fulfillment in acquiring worldly possessions, priding ourselves of these possessions and seeking refuge in them. Yet we are left without sustenance. We long for something more, and struggle with trying to discover what this something  is.

Our culture has taught us how to use the world around us for self-gratification. We interact with possessions as if expecting them to meet our fundamental needs. Unfortunately, this mentality has extended into our interpersonal relationships. By being taught how to use material goods for self gain, we have unconsciously learned how to do the same thing with each other; interacting with one another in the same manner. People have turned into things; objects for us to use in order to sustain ourselves. Unfortunately, the very act of seeing each other as objects has prevented us from finding meaning. We are unable to find that which we really seek, that which our souls find sustaining. In seeing each other as objects, we have lost relationship. And it is relationship that makes us human.

Martin Buber addresses this issue by discussing I-It versus I-Thou relationships. For Buber, an I-It relationship is a subjective relationship where the It is experienced and utilized by the I. An I-Thou relationship refers to the joining of identities that occurs when two people come together in an authentic, meaningful way.

An I-It relationship represents the world of experiences. When we experience the world, the experience does not take place between the world and ourselves; rather, the experience happens within us. For example, they way we experience sound has to do with how our brain interprets the sound waves coming from the external environment. The experience has very little to do with the outside world, and has everything to do with the individual doing the experiencing. The world, although available to be experienced, does not participate in that experience. “It permits itself to be experienced, but has no concern in the matter” (Buber, 2004, p. 13).

The I-Thou relationship represents the world of relations. In an I-Thou relationship, we do not experience one another, rather we stand in relation to one another. This relation does not happen within the I or the Thou, rather, it happens between the I and Thou. When we stand in relation with one another, the I is shared, and the Thou is accepted. Meaning happens in I-Thou relationships because this is a place where walls come down, masks come off, and real connection occurs. In a sense, by joining with another, we are able to meet ourselves; thus finding meaning.

What is meaningful can only be acquired through what is real. Connection to It is not real connection at all. We cannot have connection with an object. We can only have connection with another. It is here, and only here, where true sharing of self can exist. For the individual who lives in I-It relationships, “his life never attains to a meaning, for it is composed of means which are without significance in themselves” (Friedman, 2002, p. 77). For the individual in an I-Thou relationship, meaning is attained because the joining is significant.

As I’ve mentioned before, the way relationships are understood and acted out in our society is reflected in the language we use. We ignorantly say phrases like “the object of my affection” and “my better half” without thinking about what these simple phrases imply. These phrases imply I-It relationships. These phrases are about what the other person is in regards to the self, that is, how the self experiences them. If the It in these phrases were to no longer be experienced by the I in the same way, their value would change dramatically in regards to the I. This is because their relationship is based on how the I is experiencing them. “I am experiencing you as the object of my affection, but if our situation changes, and I no longer experience you as such, your value to me changes”. For so many people, love “cling(s) to the I in such a way as to have the Thou only for its content, its object” (2004, p. 19). Love is about what the I experiences, and relationships are conditioned based on this experience.

In contrast, I-Thou relationships are not about experience. They are not about us giving our affection to someone or having our needs met by another. To meet Thou, one must step out of oneself; out of the realm of experience. To meet Thou, one must be open and still, without expectation, without a future plan or an alternate motive. As long as our language speaks of others in context of the role they fill for the self, we can never be in I-Thou relationship. 

So how do we create I-Thou relationships as opposed to I-It relationships? For Buber, Thou is not found by seeking, rather it is met through grace. The moment that we start to seek; the moment that we start to look for someone to fulfill a role for us, or meet a need, we are setting up a predisposition for an I-It relationship. Thou is found by existing in the moment and allowing I to be authentic and real. Thou is found when there are no expectations, no hopes or assumptions. The present is the only thing that matters, and in the present, one is able to join with the other by giving up their I, not by satisfying it. For an I-Thou relationship to occur, there can be no end goal, there is no trying or creating, there just is. This is freedom. It is in this freedom that Thou can be found; not by actively seeking, but by gracefuly allowing.

Books Cited:

Buber, M. (2004). I and Thou. T&T Clark LTD: London.

Friedman, M. S. (2002). Martin Buber: The Life of Dialogue. Routledge: London.

Objectifying Others

Recently, I posted a link on facebook about effective communication. As I posted the link, a picture came up of a book entitled Catch Him and Keep Him. I scowled at the message, and considered removing the link. Instead I asked my friend, who I was staying with at the time, “what do you think of the title, Catch Him and Keep Him?” She turned her nose up and said “men aren’t fish” satisfied that at least one other person can validate my thoughts, I left the link up, and decided to address the issue here.

This title is reflective of a cultural mentality that governs our relationships. This cultural mentality says we should be seeking a romantic partner as if they were prey. Love is about “catching” something and holding on to it. It’s an active experience where you, the seeker, must be a certain way in order to capture some end product. We’ve turned the other into an object before we’ve even met him or her.

Language is a powerful tool. Our choice of words determine meaning. Language manipulates the way we define the world, the mental picture we create that helps us understand our concepts. Think of how one’s mental definition of their romantic partner changes when she describes him as “someone I connect with as more than a friend” or “the man who understands me better than most” compared to “my new boyfriend” or “my sugar daddy” or “a good catch”.

There are so many implications to the phrases we use to describe relationships, and we ignorantly speak these phrases without considering their implications. The language present in our current culture reflects a mentality of objectification; “catch him and keep him”, “the object of my affection”, “she’s a nice piece of eye candy”, the list is endless.

No wonder so many people feel their relationships lack connection. We cannot connect to objects. It’s impossible to truly open ourselves up to things. So when we create a mental definition of boyfriend as an item (whether we do this intentionally or not), we’ve already put up a barrier that prevents honest connection. By understanding him as an item to be utilized, or a thing to fill a specific, intended role, we are unable to meet with him in a mutual person-to-person way.

So when I hear people say “I really need a man”, or “Why don’t you go and get a boyfriend?”, I cringe. You do not need a man the way you need water. I should not go and get a boyfriend the way I go and get a new pair of shoes. Fulfilling relationships don’t work this way. Fulfilling relationships only happen when we join with another in connection without expectation. As soon as we seek someone to fill a role for us or meet a certain demand, we have turned them into an object. In this objectification, there is no room for mutual joining.

Taking the time to "Deal with myself".

In the film Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert says “Since I was 15 I have either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy, I haven’t had so much as two weeks just to deal with myself”

Honest words by a brilliant writer, reflecting so many people’s stories.

I have not seen the film Eat, Pray, Love, but I have read the book. Insightful and clarifying. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has ever had a relationship end. The movie might be good too.

“Since I was 15 I have either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy, I haven’t had so much as two weeks just to deal with myself”. We live in a world that rushes. From the moment we get out of bed, we are on the go. Shower is quick, coffee pot is timed, agenda is full, the car is already running, and you’re already at your first meeting before your shoes are on.

We live in a world that rushes. We are onto the next project before the current one is even completed, no spaces in between. This works in the business world. Be in a hurry, have a lot on the go, “onwards and upwards”. In the business world, this is known as being productive, taking initiative. It leads to success.

This mentality does not, however, lead to success in relationships, which is maybe why so many people are struggling with relationships in this progress-driven society.

“I haven’t had so much as two weeks just to deal with myself”. Elizabeth Gilbert decides to break this pattern. She gives herself a year. A year of space. A year of stillness. A year of Elizabeth Gilbert. Since the age of fifteen she has been building relationships with others, while neglecting her relationship with herself. Without a strong relationship with herself, who was she bringing to these relationships?

Many people do this, onto the next relationship without finding proper closure from the previous one; without redefining where they stand with themselves “onwards and upwards”. “I’ve just got to keep moving forward” is a phrase I hear regularly. My question is; “What’s wrong with sitting still?”

Sitting still gives you the chance to sort through the baggage, to reflect on the previous relationship, to reflect on who you are and how you’ve changed. Sitting still give you the chance to reestablish old friendships and reconnect with the activities that make you whole. It gives you the chance to find yourself again, and wouldn’t it be great if the person you brought to your next relationship was a strong sense of YOU?

Here’s a question to ask yourself; how long was your last relationship with You? How long-term was that commitment?

Since the age of 15, Liz had been creating two-week relationships with herself (not a whole lot of relationship building can happen in two weeks). In the book she challenges herself to a year long commitment; a commitment I feel is worth making. The relationship with yourself needs to be the strongest, it is the only relationship that is guaranteed to last a lifetime.

*If looking for a good, enlightening read, I highly recommend Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

*If looking for a simple, point-driven read, The Rules of Love by Richard Templar is fantastic.

*If looking for an insightful, purifying ready, The Wise Heart by Jack Kornfield was spiritually-stilling.

The Difference Between Doing and Being Good For Each Other

Essentially, there are two factors necessary for a solid relationship; you need to do good for each other and you need to be good for each other.

To do good for each other is easy. It’s the stuff you see in all the movies, it’s your top ten lists in all sorts of magazines; buy flowers, write a letter about your feelings, cook a surprise meal, give a back rub…..

I’m sure you could make your own detailed and creative list (and I highly recommend you do!)

Doing good for each other is important. It lets the other know that you care about them, and that you do not take them for granted (which is a very easy habit to fall into, especially in long term relationships). I suggest doing on a daily basis, even if it’s something small like washing bath towels.

I’ve heard that the best relationships are 60/40 (not 50/50 as some would assume). That means both couples do 60% and expect his/her partner to do 40%. When you expect 60% from yourself, you pay more attention to the little things your partner does, and become less focused on what your partner “owes you”. Rather than paying attention to what your partner should be doing, you are putting attention into finding creative ways to one-up your partner, and when both people are doing this, beautiful things can transpire.

Doing is not enough, which contradicts everything those movies and magazines will tell you. You can’t get the girl simply by buying her flowers and complimenting her skirt. That boy wont necessarily sweep you off your feet because you batted your eyelashes and laughed at his jokes. Sure these are all ways of expressing initial interest and it might score you a couple of dates. But deep, satisfying relationships demand more: they demand that you be good for each other.

Being good for each other is a harder thing to achieve. This is about compatibility, which you can’t fake. It’s easy to do (especially in our action driven society). It’s much harder to be.

Being good for each other means sharing the same values. This is about honoring each other’s beliefs and connecting at a core level. It is about enjoying the same interests, and wanting the same things in life. Being good for each other is about authentic partnership; knowing each other on a level that is supportive and meaningful.

Finding someone who is good for you is difficult because it involves being patient. It is about being familiar enough with yourself to recognize your own values, beliefs, interests, and goals. When these are clear to you as a single person, you are more likely to recognize when someone enters your life with compatible values, beliefs, interests, and goals.

It does not take much awareness to recognize that we live in a society full of mediocre relationships; people just going with the flow because they don’t like the thought of being alone. Five years later these people cannot understand why they are unhappy, why they are fighting more than understanding, why they just don’t line up. “I’m doing everything I should be” they often exclaim. Yes. But what are they being?  Are they being authentic? Are they being their true selves?

If you are in a relationship where you are good for each other; all that is important lines up and this person feels right for you, congratulations. You’ve found what so many people are looking for. Remember to do. The best of relationships have their downtime. Life gets in the way of the relationship, human experience interferes with that connection, there are times when it is hard to tend to each other. Remember to do, even if it’s just little things. If all you have energy for is to play with his hair as you fall asleep, do it.

It’s the being that creates the relationship. It’s the doing that maintains it.

The Process of Loosing Oneself When Connecting With Others

Sometimes when we are trying to connect with another, especially if we are hoping that this “other” will become a romantic partner, we tend to lose ourselves. This happens gradually and often without recognition.

It starts by monitoring the things we say or do. We withhold comments and second guess our actions. This is normal and happens to all of us in new situations, not just with romantic partners, but it is something to be aware of, and it is a part of denying our authentic selves.

Loosing the self continues if we start to avoid our own interests and hobbies. Perhaps our significant other is not interested in these things, or perhaps we’re so caught up in his/her activities that we forget to make time for our own interests. We no longer bring up topics that use to excite us because we sense that the other person is bored by them. It continues if we start adopting our significant other’s thoughts and attitudes as our own; telling our friends “We can’t go to the show tonight because we’re tired”, as opposed to “he’s had a long day and I’m choosing to hang out with him tonight”.

There are many ways in which we can slowly lose who we really are when connecting with others; by laughing at a joke we don’t think is funny, by faking an opinion on a topic we care nothing about, by expressing another’s thoughts and opinions as if they were our own….

It’s an interesting process, and a very detrimental one. If this seems like something you may be experiencing, it is time to ask yourself some very important questions. Who are you? Who is your partner? Do the two of you really line up? Does she know the real, honest you? Do you know the real honest her?

When we are in a relationship with someone who does not line up with who we are, who we are changes. I am going to say that again because it is important. When we are in a relationship with someone who does not line up with who we are, who we are changes, it has to. In order for us to make that relationship work, we have to alter the things we say and do. We become disinterested in the things that we use to feel passionate about. We know longer bother engaging in conversations that we use to find stimulating.

As we change, the other relationships in our lives also change.  You may notice that certain friends are rarely around anymore. Perhaps you and your mom are fighting more often. The simple tasks at work are now becoming frustrating. Your primary relationship plays a significant role on your everyday interactions and experiences. If you are in a relationship that is missing something, that is unfulfilling, that is frustrating, that is not in alignment with you, even if you cannot figure out exactly what it is (especially if you cannot figure out exactly what it is), it will create a heavy weight in your life. Our mood is highly impacted by the quality of our primary relationship, and when that relationship lacks support or fulfillment, all areas of our lives suffer.

In The Beginning, Listen To Your Gut

Your gut is always right. Listen to it. You have a higher self that is telling you what fits and what doesn’t. Sometimes we cannot explain why our gut is telling us to do or not to do something. Listen to it anyways.

I think sometimes people get into relationships despite what their gut is telling them. The desire to connect with someone can be so powerful that sometimes we ignore what our higher self is saying when someone else starts to show interest. It’s a self-esteem boost. When another is giving us attention and making us feel noticed, we tend to get emotionally attached before we even know who this person is and whether or not we even relate to him/her.

My advice; before you allow yourself to fall too hard:

• Find out why this person finds you attractive (is it because you’re cute? Because you make a lot of money? Or because you remind that person of him or herself?)
• Find out if you are compatible (do you share a lot of the same interests, values, and beliefs?)
• Listen to your gut and be honest. Always be honest.

If you find that the hours easily go by, with one conversation leading into the next, if you catch yourself sharing personal things with this person, that’s a good sign. Pay attention to that. If this person’s thoughts and opinions stimulate your own, if you sense your own values and beliefs being supported and validated, that’s a good sign. Pay attention to that.

If you feel that you are struggling with conversation, if you catch yourself looking at your watch often, or notice that you are starting to get bored with the other person’s ideas, that’s a sign. Pay attention to that. If this person’s thoughts and opinions annoy you, if you sense your own values and beliefs are being misunderstood, that’s a sign. Pay attention to that.

It’s become a bad thing in our society to admit to someone that we don’t feel connected to them. We think this information will greatly harm them, and breaking it off is only an option if that person does something “bad”, or if you have a big fight. The truth is, you’re really doing them a favor by being honest, by admitting that you don’t feel connected to them. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who has to act like they’re having a good time. Think about it, do you want your partner pretending to be interest in your thoughts, or do you deserve more than that? Admitting that you don’t feel connected gives both of you the opportunity to find a relationship that fits. It’s not this other person’s fault if they don’t line up with you. It’s not that they are not good enough, or putting blame on them, it’s being honest. “hey we both deserve to be with something different, someone more compatible.” People are afraid to be honest with others and people are afraid to be honest with themselves. It’s this fear of being able to admit when you don’t connect that makes people stay in meaningless or superficial relationships. We all deserve to be in relationships where we fill fulfilled, heard, supported, and connected. So listen to your gut.

Relationship Questionnaire

Relationship Questionnaire

The following are some questions about relationships. Take your time in answering them. Allow yourself to be honest, and really consider your answers. If you come to a question that makes you say “I don’t know”, stop and look at that. The truth is you do know. It’s important to consider what your answers are telling you about the quality of your relationship.

1)      What were your beliefs about relationships before you met your partner?

2)      What attracted you to your partner?

3)      Have you ever had doubts about the relationship?

4)      How did you address these doubts?

5)      How do you express positive emotions and feelings to your partner?

6)      How does your partner express positive emotions and feelings to you?

7)      How do you express negative emotions and feelings to your partner?

8)      How does your partner express negative emotions and feelings to you?

9)      Do you trust your partner?

10)   Does your partner trust you?

11)   Does your partner speak to you with respect and kindness?

12)   Are you able to have meaningful conversations with your partner?

13)   How many hours per week do you and your partner engage in meaningful conversation?

14)   List the activities you and your partner enjoying doing together.

15)   Is your partner aware of any activities that you do not enjoy?

16)   Are you aware of the activities that your partner does not enjoy doing?

17)   Do you share equally in responsibilities?

18)   Do you share equally in decision making?

19)   Is there ever a time when your opinion goes unspoken?

20)   Is there ever a time when your partner’s opinion goes unspoken?

21)   How is conflict handled?

22)   How comfortable is your partner in addressing conflicting issues with you?

23)   How comfortable are you in addressing conflicting issues with your partner?

24)   How are sexual differences handled?

25)   Has there ever been a time when you felt sexually uncomfortable and felt unable to speak to your partner about it?

26)   How did this get addressed?

27)   Do you or your partner ever feel pressured to do anything sexually that you do not want to do?

28)   Is your partner emotionally available to you when you are experiencing stress or crisis?

29)   Are you emotionally available to your partner?

30)   Are you able to enjoy time apart with the understanding that it is a healthy part of your relationship?

31)   Do you each have your own friends and interests?

32)   Does your partner feel happy about good things that happen to you?

33)   Does your partner listen to you?

34)   Does your partner share any of the same beliefs and values?

35)   Are you and your partner able to respect and listen to each other even when you have different opinions on a topic?

It's About Quality

Ever had a relationship that felt like there was something missing? Ever struggled in attempting to connect with your significant other? Perhaps you felt like you were not being understood, or the two of you were just not on the same page. Did you continue holding your partner’s hand anyway, with a silly grin on your face while the back of your head said “I don’t know….”

This is, unfortunately, a lot of people’s relationships. Not connecting. Wanting to connect, trying to connect, utilizing every resource inside of oneself in order to connect, and still missing the mark.

Connecting with another human being is not about the number of dates you go on, or the amount of childhood stories you share. It’s not about the amount of time you spend together, it’s about the quality of that time.

Think about the best non-romantic relationship you have. Perhaps it is with a best friend, or a parent, or your favorite aunt. How did that relationship form? Why do you feel connected to that person? My assumption would be that this other person sees the world in a similar way as yourself. Not only do you feel your beliefs and values are understood by this person, they are supported and validated as well. The relationship is strong because there is quality in your interactions; the time that you spend with each other is fulfilling and meaningful. I would also suspect that this relationship was rather easy to create. You did not stay up all night crying about uncertainties, or lamenting to your friends about the things that are not working. It developed naturally, without any pressure. You never had a hidden agenda when you were spending time with this person.

If you are putting a lot of effort in trying to build a relationship with someone; having to change, asking them to change, trying to do things differently …

That effort is wasted energy. When a relationship is good and fulfilling, it’s effortless. When two complete strangers click, it’s effortless. All the people I have in my life were once strangers, and the relationships happened because we had things in common. We had similar interests, when we talked to each other we feed off of each other’s ideas. We enjoyed each other’s company because we were doing activities that we both loved. Relationships, real good relationship, are effortless. You don’t have to try.

I’m not saying that there’s no work involved and every day is nothing but contentment. What I mean by “effortless” is that the work that is necessary is worth doing because the bigger picture is based on fulfillment and connection. The bigger picture is not some idealization you have about what a good relationship could look like, the bigger picture is a real, tangible thing, that already exists in your relationship. When your relationship is more often than not, based on connection and meaning, any work that is needed feels undoubtedly worth it.

Is this working?

Relationships. The romantic kind. They’re funny things. Exciting. Stimulating. Painful. Relationships are the topic of many conversations. They motivate us, encourage us, drive us to succeed, and drive us to distraction.

When I talk to people about relationships, when I watch TV, or read advertisements in  magazines, it becomes unbelievably clear to me that the way we have defined, and began to understand relationships is not working effectively.  I’ve noticed a lot of  insecurity around it. In fact, when I typed “insecurity” into the online thesaurus, the first thing that came up was a link to “relationship insecurity”. We are insecure. We are insecure when in relationships and we are insecure when single. I talk to more and more people who are unsure about what they want, who they are, where they stand. People think they will find this completeness they are lacking once they pair up with someone else; “if I could just find the one, then I would be happy”.  This is quite often an ineffective way of doing things. People have a tendency to lose themselves, to lose who they really are, while trying desperately to connect with someone who is not right for them.

It is more effective to live in alignment with yourself, and then build relationships with people who are in alignment with you. When I’ve seen relationships that are working really well, and the people seem connected to each other, when I ask them, the individuals will often say “that person is perfect for me”. What they mean is, the other person is compatible with them, they share the same interests and values, they see the world through similar eyes. They mean they feel supported, understood, and valued by the other person. That person plays such an important role in their life that they could not be replaced by anyone else; that person is perfect for them.

Unfortunately, many people are not in relationships with those who are perfect for them,  a lot of people seem to be in relationships just because. It’s as if they feel obligated to be partnered up with someone, and as such, a lot of people are in unfulfilling relationships or relationships where they don’t really connect with one another.

People have been known to put a lot of time and energy into those who are not perfect for them; into those who just do not line up with who they are, and then they are confused about why the relationship didn’t work out. “I did everything the way I should have, I was faithful, I treated him well”. They don’t realize that relationships don’t always end because somebody did something wrong, they often end because the two people just didn’t compliment each other. The compatibility was not there, and that’s okay. We are not going to line up with everybody. And that’s why I believe in the value of living in alignment with yourself; of building a relationship with who you are; becoming clear on your goals and desires and values. Because once these are clear, you are going to start attracting people into your life who line up with those desires and values. It will help you to recognize those who relate to you and those who do not, so you will be a lot clearer in the kind of people you enjoy spending time with.