Sometimes when we are trying to connect with another, especially if we are hoping that this “other” will become a romantic partner, we tend to lose ourselves. This happens gradually and often without recognition.
It starts by monitoring the things we say or do. We withhold comments and second guess our actions. This is normal and happens to all of us in new situations, not just with romantic partners, but it is something to be aware of, and it is a part of denying our authentic selves.
Loosing the self continues if we start to avoid our own interests and hobbies. Perhaps our significant other is not interested in these things, or perhaps we’re so caught up in his/her activities that we forget to make time for our own interests. We no longer bring up topics that use to excite us because we sense that the other person is bored by them. It continues if we start adopting our significant other’s thoughts and attitudes as our own; telling our friends “We can’t go to the show tonight because we’re tired”, as opposed to “he’s had a long day and I’m choosing to hang out with him tonight”.
There are many ways in which we can slowly lose who we really are when connecting with others; by laughing at a joke we don’t think is funny, by faking an opinion on a topic we care nothing about, by expressing another’s thoughts and opinions as if they were our own….
It’s an interesting process, and a very detrimental one. If this seems like something you may be experiencing, it is time to ask yourself some very important questions. Who are you? Who is your partner? Do the two of you really line up? Does she know the real, honest you? Do you know the real honest her?
When we are in a relationship with someone who does not line up with who we are, who we are changes. I am going to say that again because it is important. When we are in a relationship with someone who does not line up with who we are, who we are changes, it has to. In order for us to make that relationship work, we have to alter the things we say and do. We become disinterested in the things that we use to feel passionate about. We know longer bother engaging in conversations that we use to find stimulating.
As we change, the other relationships in our lives also change. You may notice that certain friends are rarely around anymore. Perhaps you and your mom are fighting more often. The simple tasks at work are now becoming frustrating. Your primary relationship plays a significant role on your everyday interactions and experiences. If you are in a relationship that is missing something, that is unfulfilling, that is frustrating, that is not in alignment with you, even if you cannot figure out exactly what it is (especially if you cannot figure out exactly what it is), it will create a heavy weight in your life. Our mood is highly impacted by the quality of our primary relationship, and when that relationship lacks support or fulfillment, all areas of our lives suffer.