Sometimes when we are trying to connect with another, especially if we are hoping that this “other” will become a romantic partner, we tend to lose ourselves. This happens gradually and often without recognition.
It starts by monitoring the things we say or do. We withhold comments and second guess our actions. This is normal and happens to all of us in new situations, not just with romantic partners, but it is something to be aware of, and it is a part of denying our authentic selves.
Loosing the self continues if we start to avoid our own interests and hobbies. Perhaps our significant other is not interested in these things, or perhaps we’re so caught up in his/her activities that we forget to make time for our own interests. We no longer bring up topics that use to excite us because we sense that the other person is bored by them. It continues if we start adopting our significant other’s thoughts and attitudes as our own; telling our friends “We can’t go to the show tonight because we’re tired”, as opposed to “he’s had a long day and I’m choosing to hang out with him tonight”.
There are many ways in which we can slowly lose who we really are when connecting with others; by laughing at a joke we don’t think is funny, by faking an opinion on a topic we care nothing about, by expressing another’s thoughts and opinions as if they were our own….
It’s an interesting process, and a very detrimental one. If this seems like something you may be experiencing, it is time to ask yourself some very important questions. Who are you? Who is your partner? Do the two of you really line up? Does she know the real, honest you? Do you know the real honest her?
When we are in a relationship with someone who does not line up with who we are, who we are changes. I am going to say that again because it is important. When we are in a relationship with someone who does not line up with who we are, who we are changes, it has to. In order for us to make that relationship work, we have to alter the things we say and do. We become disinterested in the things that we use to feel passionate about. We know longer bother engaging in conversations that we use to find stimulating.
As we change, the other relationships in our lives also change. You may notice that certain friends are rarely around anymore. Perhaps you and your mom are fighting more often. The simple tasks at work are now becoming frustrating. Your primary relationship plays a significant role on your everyday interactions and experiences. If you are in a relationship that is missing something, that is unfulfilling, that is frustrating, that is not in alignment with you, even if you cannot figure out exactly what it is (especially if you cannot figure out exactly what it is), it will create a heavy weight in your life. Our mood is highly impacted by the quality of our primary relationship, and when that relationship lacks support or fulfillment, all areas of our lives suffer.
This was a good read! I believe what you are saying is very important and quite easy for others to fall into. Looking forward to your next post :)
ReplyDeleteThose questions that one must ask themselves are complex and the answers do not come easy. How does one know if they are giving themselves rational, reasonable and objective answers? That in and of itself is a skill not easily mastered.
ReplyDeleteIt is very important that we do not lose ourselves in the relationship.... our identity is what attracted our partners and it is vital that we cherish that part of ourselves, our uniqueness. If you find that your partner is bored with conversational topics or interests, there are others in our lives who we can share them with. We don't have to cut out parts of ourselves if our partner does not share or enjoy them...I think it is very important to go through life and live for yourself and ofcourse be with your partner, what was said above about being and doing is exactly right, I totally agree with it, but it does not mean that we cut out parts of ourselves that our partners don't like or enjoy. cos then after time it can lead to dissatisfaction within ourselves and resentment for becoming someone else for our partner's sake. So find friends and activities an interests that excite you and follow them, with your parnter or with other friends. After all, one person cannot meet all of our needs. they have their limitations and flaws just like we do and its okay. Accept the person for who he or she is just as they would accept us for who we are, bring to the relationship and so on.. I think if we don't try to limit ourselves and don't try to limit others it works better.
ReplyDeleteOfcourse tell your partner what you need and let them make the choices whether to be interested or not.. don't make them do stuff that we do, unless they are pivotal decisions or fundamental to who you are.. but if they are peripheral interests or hobbies or conversations, then continue them with others that share your interests, as long as this ideas is also shared by your partner. Keep lines of communication open and discuss them, without it being a win lose situation, both people share what they feel, think and talk it out, and see what happens, without hold back or getting hurt or hurting the other. If we all say this is what I enjoy, this is what I would like.. and go from there and see what ensues.
We have to also be in the space of mind to hear frank opinions and hold back on being hurt if our partner disagrees with something. you can say almost anything you want, as long as it is said with respect and sincerity and reiterate that your intent is not to hurt the other person but you're just sharing your thoughts and opinions.
what was said about not knowing what's wrong with the relationship, but you don't feel right or good cos it is the foundational part of where you operate from. That is so understandable and you have to figure out what is it that is causing you that disomfort,yu can't quite put your finger on it.. but it makes you uncomfortable somehow. Then it's probably not meeting some need within you.. and ask yourself what need that is.. some introsection is necessary to figure it out specifically. you need to know what it is so that you can ask yourself what needs to change within yourself, or it change in the relationship that you want, whatexactly it is.. and yu can't have that conversaion with someone else unless you sort out in your head what it is that you feel and how it is not meeting your need, what need is it that it is missing or is it somthing that is within your control to change by your being or your doing or thinking in your mind or is it with the person your are with? something they could be doing or thinkingor behaving? or saying ? or not saying?
ReplyDeleteIt's like a navigational system on a aircraft. If plane radios in to the control tower and asks for directions to get to a detination, the first thing that the tower controller will ask is where r u now. So the pilot needs to know where he is now to radio in to get directions to get to where he should go..
In the same way, in a relationship, yo have to know what is bothering or what's good to keep doing it more or to change it somehow. you can't change what you don't know. you don't know what you don't know.So that is the first step. there are no right or wrong, it's yourself and the other person, it can be worked out if both people are willing.
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