It's About Quality

Ever had a relationship that felt like there was something missing? Ever struggled in attempting to connect with your significant other? Perhaps you felt like you were not being understood, or the two of you were just not on the same page. Did you continue holding your partner’s hand anyway, with a silly grin on your face while the back of your head said “I don’t know….”

This is, unfortunately, a lot of people’s relationships. Not connecting. Wanting to connect, trying to connect, utilizing every resource inside of oneself in order to connect, and still missing the mark.

Connecting with another human being is not about the number of dates you go on, or the amount of childhood stories you share. It’s not about the amount of time you spend together, it’s about the quality of that time.

Think about the best non-romantic relationship you have. Perhaps it is with a best friend, or a parent, or your favorite aunt. How did that relationship form? Why do you feel connected to that person? My assumption would be that this other person sees the world in a similar way as yourself. Not only do you feel your beliefs and values are understood by this person, they are supported and validated as well. The relationship is strong because there is quality in your interactions; the time that you spend with each other is fulfilling and meaningful. I would also suspect that this relationship was rather easy to create. You did not stay up all night crying about uncertainties, or lamenting to your friends about the things that are not working. It developed naturally, without any pressure. You never had a hidden agenda when you were spending time with this person.

If you are putting a lot of effort in trying to build a relationship with someone; having to change, asking them to change, trying to do things differently …

That effort is wasted energy. When a relationship is good and fulfilling, it’s effortless. When two complete strangers click, it’s effortless. All the people I have in my life were once strangers, and the relationships happened because we had things in common. We had similar interests, when we talked to each other we feed off of each other’s ideas. We enjoyed each other’s company because we were doing activities that we both loved. Relationships, real good relationship, are effortless. You don’t have to try.

I’m not saying that there’s no work involved and every day is nothing but contentment. What I mean by “effortless” is that the work that is necessary is worth doing because the bigger picture is based on fulfillment and connection. The bigger picture is not some idealization you have about what a good relationship could look like, the bigger picture is a real, tangible thing, that already exists in your relationship. When your relationship is more often than not, based on connection and meaning, any work that is needed feels undoubtedly worth it.