The Difference Between Doing and Being Good For Each Other

Essentially, there are two factors necessary for a solid relationship; you need to do good for each other and you need to be good for each other.

To do good for each other is easy. It’s the stuff you see in all the movies, it’s your top ten lists in all sorts of magazines; buy flowers, write a letter about your feelings, cook a surprise meal, give a back rub…..

I’m sure you could make your own detailed and creative list (and I highly recommend you do!)

Doing good for each other is important. It lets the other know that you care about them, and that you do not take them for granted (which is a very easy habit to fall into, especially in long term relationships). I suggest doing on a daily basis, even if it’s something small like washing bath towels.

I’ve heard that the best relationships are 60/40 (not 50/50 as some would assume). That means both couples do 60% and expect his/her partner to do 40%. When you expect 60% from yourself, you pay more attention to the little things your partner does, and become less focused on what your partner “owes you”. Rather than paying attention to what your partner should be doing, you are putting attention into finding creative ways to one-up your partner, and when both people are doing this, beautiful things can transpire.

Doing is not enough, which contradicts everything those movies and magazines will tell you. You can’t get the girl simply by buying her flowers and complimenting her skirt. That boy wont necessarily sweep you off your feet because you batted your eyelashes and laughed at his jokes. Sure these are all ways of expressing initial interest and it might score you a couple of dates. But deep, satisfying relationships demand more: they demand that you be good for each other.

Being good for each other is a harder thing to achieve. This is about compatibility, which you can’t fake. It’s easy to do (especially in our action driven society). It’s much harder to be.

Being good for each other means sharing the same values. This is about honoring each other’s beliefs and connecting at a core level. It is about enjoying the same interests, and wanting the same things in life. Being good for each other is about authentic partnership; knowing each other on a level that is supportive and meaningful.

Finding someone who is good for you is difficult because it involves being patient. It is about being familiar enough with yourself to recognize your own values, beliefs, interests, and goals. When these are clear to you as a single person, you are more likely to recognize when someone enters your life with compatible values, beliefs, interests, and goals.

It does not take much awareness to recognize that we live in a society full of mediocre relationships; people just going with the flow because they don’t like the thought of being alone. Five years later these people cannot understand why they are unhappy, why they are fighting more than understanding, why they just don’t line up. “I’m doing everything I should be” they often exclaim. Yes. But what are they being?  Are they being authentic? Are they being their true selves?

If you are in a relationship where you are good for each other; all that is important lines up and this person feels right for you, congratulations. You’ve found what so many people are looking for. Remember to do. The best of relationships have their downtime. Life gets in the way of the relationship, human experience interferes with that connection, there are times when it is hard to tend to each other. Remember to do, even if it’s just little things. If all you have energy for is to play with his hair as you fall asleep, do it.

It’s the being that creates the relationship. It’s the doing that maintains it.