The Process of Loosing Oneself When Connecting With Others

Sometimes when we are trying to connect with another, especially if we are hoping that this “other” will become a romantic partner, we tend to lose ourselves. This happens gradually and often without recognition.

It starts by monitoring the things we say or do. We withhold comments and second guess our actions. This is normal and happens to all of us in new situations, not just with romantic partners, but it is something to be aware of, and it is a part of denying our authentic selves.

Loosing the self continues if we start to avoid our own interests and hobbies. Perhaps our significant other is not interested in these things, or perhaps we’re so caught up in his/her activities that we forget to make time for our own interests. We no longer bring up topics that use to excite us because we sense that the other person is bored by them. It continues if we start adopting our significant other’s thoughts and attitudes as our own; telling our friends “We can’t go to the show tonight because we’re tired”, as opposed to “he’s had a long day and I’m choosing to hang out with him tonight”.

There are many ways in which we can slowly lose who we really are when connecting with others; by laughing at a joke we don’t think is funny, by faking an opinion on a topic we care nothing about, by expressing another’s thoughts and opinions as if they were our own….

It’s an interesting process, and a very detrimental one. If this seems like something you may be experiencing, it is time to ask yourself some very important questions. Who are you? Who is your partner? Do the two of you really line up? Does she know the real, honest you? Do you know the real honest her?

When we are in a relationship with someone who does not line up with who we are, who we are changes. I am going to say that again because it is important. When we are in a relationship with someone who does not line up with who we are, who we are changes, it has to. In order for us to make that relationship work, we have to alter the things we say and do. We become disinterested in the things that we use to feel passionate about. We know longer bother engaging in conversations that we use to find stimulating.

As we change, the other relationships in our lives also change.  You may notice that certain friends are rarely around anymore. Perhaps you and your mom are fighting more often. The simple tasks at work are now becoming frustrating. Your primary relationship plays a significant role on your everyday interactions and experiences. If you are in a relationship that is missing something, that is unfulfilling, that is frustrating, that is not in alignment with you, even if you cannot figure out exactly what it is (especially if you cannot figure out exactly what it is), it will create a heavy weight in your life. Our mood is highly impacted by the quality of our primary relationship, and when that relationship lacks support or fulfillment, all areas of our lives suffer.

In The Beginning, Listen To Your Gut

Your gut is always right. Listen to it. You have a higher self that is telling you what fits and what doesn’t. Sometimes we cannot explain why our gut is telling us to do or not to do something. Listen to it anyways.

I think sometimes people get into relationships despite what their gut is telling them. The desire to connect with someone can be so powerful that sometimes we ignore what our higher self is saying when someone else starts to show interest. It’s a self-esteem boost. When another is giving us attention and making us feel noticed, we tend to get emotionally attached before we even know who this person is and whether or not we even relate to him/her.

My advice; before you allow yourself to fall too hard:

• Find out why this person finds you attractive (is it because you’re cute? Because you make a lot of money? Or because you remind that person of him or herself?)
• Find out if you are compatible (do you share a lot of the same interests, values, and beliefs?)
• Listen to your gut and be honest. Always be honest.

If you find that the hours easily go by, with one conversation leading into the next, if you catch yourself sharing personal things with this person, that’s a good sign. Pay attention to that. If this person’s thoughts and opinions stimulate your own, if you sense your own values and beliefs being supported and validated, that’s a good sign. Pay attention to that.

If you feel that you are struggling with conversation, if you catch yourself looking at your watch often, or notice that you are starting to get bored with the other person’s ideas, that’s a sign. Pay attention to that. If this person’s thoughts and opinions annoy you, if you sense your own values and beliefs are being misunderstood, that’s a sign. Pay attention to that.

It’s become a bad thing in our society to admit to someone that we don’t feel connected to them. We think this information will greatly harm them, and breaking it off is only an option if that person does something “bad”, or if you have a big fight. The truth is, you’re really doing them a favor by being honest, by admitting that you don’t feel connected to them. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who has to act like they’re having a good time. Think about it, do you want your partner pretending to be interest in your thoughts, or do you deserve more than that? Admitting that you don’t feel connected gives both of you the opportunity to find a relationship that fits. It’s not this other person’s fault if they don’t line up with you. It’s not that they are not good enough, or putting blame on them, it’s being honest. “hey we both deserve to be with something different, someone more compatible.” People are afraid to be honest with others and people are afraid to be honest with themselves. It’s this fear of being able to admit when you don’t connect that makes people stay in meaningless or superficial relationships. We all deserve to be in relationships where we fill fulfilled, heard, supported, and connected. So listen to your gut.

Relationship Questionnaire

Relationship Questionnaire

The following are some questions about relationships. Take your time in answering them. Allow yourself to be honest, and really consider your answers. If you come to a question that makes you say “I don’t know”, stop and look at that. The truth is you do know. It’s important to consider what your answers are telling you about the quality of your relationship.

1)      What were your beliefs about relationships before you met your partner?

2)      What attracted you to your partner?

3)      Have you ever had doubts about the relationship?

4)      How did you address these doubts?

5)      How do you express positive emotions and feelings to your partner?

6)      How does your partner express positive emotions and feelings to you?

7)      How do you express negative emotions and feelings to your partner?

8)      How does your partner express negative emotions and feelings to you?

9)      Do you trust your partner?

10)   Does your partner trust you?

11)   Does your partner speak to you with respect and kindness?

12)   Are you able to have meaningful conversations with your partner?

13)   How many hours per week do you and your partner engage in meaningful conversation?

14)   List the activities you and your partner enjoying doing together.

15)   Is your partner aware of any activities that you do not enjoy?

16)   Are you aware of the activities that your partner does not enjoy doing?

17)   Do you share equally in responsibilities?

18)   Do you share equally in decision making?

19)   Is there ever a time when your opinion goes unspoken?

20)   Is there ever a time when your partner’s opinion goes unspoken?

21)   How is conflict handled?

22)   How comfortable is your partner in addressing conflicting issues with you?

23)   How comfortable are you in addressing conflicting issues with your partner?

24)   How are sexual differences handled?

25)   Has there ever been a time when you felt sexually uncomfortable and felt unable to speak to your partner about it?

26)   How did this get addressed?

27)   Do you or your partner ever feel pressured to do anything sexually that you do not want to do?

28)   Is your partner emotionally available to you when you are experiencing stress or crisis?

29)   Are you emotionally available to your partner?

30)   Are you able to enjoy time apart with the understanding that it is a healthy part of your relationship?

31)   Do you each have your own friends and interests?

32)   Does your partner feel happy about good things that happen to you?

33)   Does your partner listen to you?

34)   Does your partner share any of the same beliefs and values?

35)   Are you and your partner able to respect and listen to each other even when you have different opinions on a topic?

It's About Quality

Ever had a relationship that felt like there was something missing? Ever struggled in attempting to connect with your significant other? Perhaps you felt like you were not being understood, or the two of you were just not on the same page. Did you continue holding your partner’s hand anyway, with a silly grin on your face while the back of your head said “I don’t know….”

This is, unfortunately, a lot of people’s relationships. Not connecting. Wanting to connect, trying to connect, utilizing every resource inside of oneself in order to connect, and still missing the mark.

Connecting with another human being is not about the number of dates you go on, or the amount of childhood stories you share. It’s not about the amount of time you spend together, it’s about the quality of that time.

Think about the best non-romantic relationship you have. Perhaps it is with a best friend, or a parent, or your favorite aunt. How did that relationship form? Why do you feel connected to that person? My assumption would be that this other person sees the world in a similar way as yourself. Not only do you feel your beliefs and values are understood by this person, they are supported and validated as well. The relationship is strong because there is quality in your interactions; the time that you spend with each other is fulfilling and meaningful. I would also suspect that this relationship was rather easy to create. You did not stay up all night crying about uncertainties, or lamenting to your friends about the things that are not working. It developed naturally, without any pressure. You never had a hidden agenda when you were spending time with this person.

If you are putting a lot of effort in trying to build a relationship with someone; having to change, asking them to change, trying to do things differently …

That effort is wasted energy. When a relationship is good and fulfilling, it’s effortless. When two complete strangers click, it’s effortless. All the people I have in my life were once strangers, and the relationships happened because we had things in common. We had similar interests, when we talked to each other we feed off of each other’s ideas. We enjoyed each other’s company because we were doing activities that we both loved. Relationships, real good relationship, are effortless. You don’t have to try.

I’m not saying that there’s no work involved and every day is nothing but contentment. What I mean by “effortless” is that the work that is necessary is worth doing because the bigger picture is based on fulfillment and connection. The bigger picture is not some idealization you have about what a good relationship could look like, the bigger picture is a real, tangible thing, that already exists in your relationship. When your relationship is more often than not, based on connection and meaning, any work that is needed feels undoubtedly worth it.

Is this working?

Relationships. The romantic kind. They’re funny things. Exciting. Stimulating. Painful. Relationships are the topic of many conversations. They motivate us, encourage us, drive us to succeed, and drive us to distraction.

When I talk to people about relationships, when I watch TV, or read advertisements in  magazines, it becomes unbelievably clear to me that the way we have defined, and began to understand relationships is not working effectively.  I’ve noticed a lot of  insecurity around it. In fact, when I typed “insecurity” into the online thesaurus, the first thing that came up was a link to “relationship insecurity”. We are insecure. We are insecure when in relationships and we are insecure when single. I talk to more and more people who are unsure about what they want, who they are, where they stand. People think they will find this completeness they are lacking once they pair up with someone else; “if I could just find the one, then I would be happy”.  This is quite often an ineffective way of doing things. People have a tendency to lose themselves, to lose who they really are, while trying desperately to connect with someone who is not right for them.

It is more effective to live in alignment with yourself, and then build relationships with people who are in alignment with you. When I’ve seen relationships that are working really well, and the people seem connected to each other, when I ask them, the individuals will often say “that person is perfect for me”. What they mean is, the other person is compatible with them, they share the same interests and values, they see the world through similar eyes. They mean they feel supported, understood, and valued by the other person. That person plays such an important role in their life that they could not be replaced by anyone else; that person is perfect for them.

Unfortunately, many people are not in relationships with those who are perfect for them,  a lot of people seem to be in relationships just because. It’s as if they feel obligated to be partnered up with someone, and as such, a lot of people are in unfulfilling relationships or relationships where they don’t really connect with one another.

People have been known to put a lot of time and energy into those who are not perfect for them; into those who just do not line up with who they are, and then they are confused about why the relationship didn’t work out. “I did everything the way I should have, I was faithful, I treated him well”. They don’t realize that relationships don’t always end because somebody did something wrong, they often end because the two people just didn’t compliment each other. The compatibility was not there, and that’s okay. We are not going to line up with everybody. And that’s why I believe in the value of living in alignment with yourself; of building a relationship with who you are; becoming clear on your goals and desires and values. Because once these are clear, you are going to start attracting people into your life who line up with those desires and values. It will help you to recognize those who relate to you and those who do not, so you will be a lot clearer in the kind of people you enjoy spending time with.