Do our past relationships lead us to the future?

There is a very beautiful, romantic idea out there that says our past relationships lead us to better, more fulfilling relationships.  “all those other girls paved the road to you…”. Very sweet isn’t it? and completely inaccurate.

Your past relationships do not introduce you to your future relationships. Your past relationships do not bring more compatible people into your life. You would have met the person who you are with right now, whether you had past relationships or not.

Instead of giving us all these skills to have better relationships, our past relationships often create confusion and bitterness which causes us to separate from ourselves and prevents us from being our authentic self in the next relationship.

There are many people in their forties and fifties who are dating the exact same way they did when they were in their twenties. The relationships in their twenties did not teach them how to find love in their future; instead, it caused them to create certain patterns and beliefs that are preventing them from having that deep meaningful connection that they are craving.

When our relationships end, we like to tell ourselves that we can just dust ourselves off and move on, that we “learned a lot” and we are “better off” and “there are more fish in the sea” and “no regrets”. We believe that the failed relationship will just prepare us for the real thing. Unfortunately, this kind of thinking prevents us from doing our work. It gives us permission to remain ignorant to our own patterns. We walk into our future relationships with the same beliefs about ourselves, about relationships, and about significant others that we had when we started our last relationship. Often these beliefs come with additional pains and bitterness that get carried forward rather than exposed and dealt with. Telling ourselves to “get over it and move on” prevents us from doing some much needed reflection and belief repatterning.

We like to think that we are creatures that learn.  We learn from past mistakes, we learn from past relationships. But we aren’t. Logically we tell ourselves that we have received new information about what not to do next time, but the reality of it is, we are creatures of habit, not creatures of knowledge. We do what feels normal, even if we know our experience of normal is not effective (or not healthy). This is why so many people continue to create one identical relationship after the other. They are acting out of habit; doing it the same way they have always done it.

So how do you know when you are really ready to move on? How do you get to a point where you have really learned something?

When you can think about the person of the “failed” relationship and not feel pain. When you are aware of the beliefs and desires you had when you entered that relationship and you can retrospectively see the relationship differently than when you were in it. You will recognize that you have learned something when some of your beliefs about relationships have changed, and when you are consciously aware of how you will do and think differently in your next relationship.

Relationships and The Media

It happens to me quite regularly. I will be sitting in front of the TV, eating a home cooked meal. Something warm and delicious; curried fish and pasta, or roasted chicken with garlic potatoes. A meal cooked with love, a 25 dollar plate had it been served at a restaurant. Then an advertisement for McDonalds comes on TV, and suddenly I want a McChicken burger more than I want anything else. The desire’s only there for a moment, and then I laugh at my inclination to be easily swayed.

Advertisement is a powerful thing. The media is a powerful thing. Numerous studies have shown how easily people’s thoughts and opinions are unconsciously influenced by the messages they hear on television and in magazines.

How are relationships portrayed in the media? What subliminal messages are we receiving about how to be with romantic partners?

We live in a society that is detached. As human beings we need to connect, we need to socialize. We are social creatures and we need each other, but we struggle with it, and we live in isolation  (we call it independence).

The media picks up on this, and feeds off of it. Our need to find connection helps them sell things. There are so many shows out there about relationships. These shows exist to entertain us. To entertain that need to be with somebody.

There’s a big difference between entertainment and education, and so many people get their values and beliefs about relationships from entertainment as opposed to education. Shows like Sex and the City, and Two and a Half Men subliminally warp people into thinking differently about relationship. Men and women are portrayed as objects. A good relationship is one where the sex is really good, and no other criteria needs to be met. There is no emphasis on communication, or connection, or complimenting values. It’s mental garbage. And this mental garbage is painting a picture of how relationships ought to be. The entertainment that teaches us about relationships leaves out the part about values. It speaks nothing of belief systems, or of pulling people into your life who line up with who you are.

The TV shows, the movies, the magazines have been influencing our thoughts since we were children. I watched Cinderella. I was given the illusion that it would be a wonderful thing to be swept off my feet. But the education out there says it will never be that way.  Prince charming does not just walk into your life, say two lines, and then marry you, allowing you to live happily ever after.

Be aware of the messages you are receiving.

Choose your influences.

Coping With The Single Life

There are people who seem unable to cope without a significant other. They struggle when a relationship ends, not just because they mourn the loss of that relationship, but more because they do not like being single. It is not so much the person that they miss, but the role that person played. Some people are uncomfortable when they are not in a relationship. They struggle with spending time alone and the moment one relationship ends, they are on to the next.

I say be single, even if it’s a challenge. Be single and build that relationship with yourself because once you are living in a strong sense of me, once you are living in a strong sense of who I am; and feeling grounded in your self awareness, being single wont hurt any more. In fact, being single will feel good.  And when being single starts to feel good, it is a sign that you’ve created a healthy relationship with yourself.

Being in a healthy relationship with yourself encompasses being true to yourself. It is a consequence of living a life that is in alignment with your higher self. When this becomes your reality, you will be open to meeting someone who lines up with this higher self; someone who mirrors and supports who you really are. And then that relationship will feel good. Being single will feel good, and then when the time comes, being in an appropriate relationship will feel good. Creating a relationship with someone who meshes with who you are will feel so much better then jumping from relationship to relationship with random people who may or may not be compatible with you. It will feel better than picking people at random.

Let’s say, hypothetically, you get married when you are 30 years old (I’m not saying that there’s a deadline), that gives you the next 60 years of your life (approximately) to be with that person. That’s a long time. Why are there so many people struggling in their first 30 years of being single? Enjoy those thirty years of being single; don’t waste them. It’s only a small portion of your life.

When I see people at the age of fifteen, struggling with the idea of being single, or struggling because they don’t know how to be single, and they spend the next 10-15 years feeling this way, I can’t help but mourn for them. I feel sad for these young people because those are years wasted.

Talk to people who have been married for forty years. A lot of them miss the days when they were single. Why would you ever want something that you don’t have? Enjoy what you have. When you are single, enjoy it and love it. When you are in a relationship, enjoy it and love it. There is no point in wishing for the other. Suffering comes from wanting what we don't have and from desperatly seeking that which we are not ready for. Love what you have. Love where you're at.

Let It Happen Naturally

Humans connect naturally. It is a natural instinct for us. When we meet people who share common interests, when we meet people who line up with us, we bond with them. This process is easy. There is no trying involved. You do not try to breath. You do not try to eat. You just do it. You do it because it is easy and it feels natural.

Some people believe that they do have to try; “I have to go for coffee with this person, I have to listen to them, I have to try to understand their opinions about life, and agree with those opinions. I have to make changes in myself, and I have to ask them to make changes. It takes effort in order for us to relate.”

Those relationships often lead to resentment and end up being unfulfilling. Relationships where both people are trying, don’t usually last. I have heard people compare a previous, mediocre relationships to a current, fulfilling one (one in which they created without trying); “this new relationship takes so little work, it’s effortless and is so much better”

Yeah, life is meant to be effortless.

There are some things that you do have to try for; Basketball for example. That is something you have to go out and try for. You will never know unless you try. You are not going to know if you are good at basketball unless you go out there and run the court, and shoot a few hoops, and make an effort.

But a relationship is not a skill that you either do or do not have. It is not something that you try to achieve. Relationships happen to all people. Relationships are not like basketball, relationships are like breathing. When you are connecting with someone else who is in alignment with who you are, there is no trying. Relationships unfold naturally.

So how does one stop seeking and start allowing the natural process? Build a relationship with yourself. Participate in activities and interact with close friends who remind you of who you really are. You will start to meet new people. We meet new people daily (many of us are just too closed off to recognize this). Enjoy these new people. Laugh together, talk together, participate in activities together. Without that mental habit of “maybe this is the one”. Enjoy these new people without attaching strings. With no assumptions. When you meet someone who seems to line up with your thoughts, values, and beliefs; when you sense that you want to spend more time with this person, arrange to do so. With no strings attached. Do not let your purpose for proposing coffee be because you no longer want to be single, let it be because you genuinely enjoy this person’s company, no matter the role they may or may not play in your life. Go for coffee, hang out, get to know each other better. The relationship will start to unfold naturally.

Pay attention to your next unromantic relationship. Maybe it’s the person who sits behind you in math class, maybe it’s the girl who just joined your swim team. Pay attention to how that relationship unfolds. My suspicion is it is going to happen without pressure, without any forced effort on your behalf. A romantic relationship will happen the same way.

Relationships Are Easy

I was talking to a dear friend about relationships. She is currently in a good one, with a boy whom she connects in a way she never imagined (she never dated much, and never saw herself settling down). She mentioned how easy the relationship is; they just are. They simply hang out with each other, enjoy one another’s company, and it’s easy.

That got me to thinking about how easy life is. Life is meant to be simple. Look at nature. Effortless. A tree grows through rock in the mountains with ease and grace. Look at the cycles. Effortless. Grass grows without effort. Wind blows without effort. Life is meant to be easy.

We are nature. Why do we insist on making things so complicated for ourselves? We can choose to have an easy life. We can choose to have easy relationships.

So many people try in relationships. They have conversation after conversation about how to alter their dynamic so they can be “right” for one other.  They come up with tests that the other person has to pass. When there is a sense that something is not working, or not lining up, they try really hard to make it work. But the best relationships are those that happen with ease; those that just are, because life is meant to be easy and relationships are meant to be easy.

The best relationships happen naturally, without effort. They happen because the two people simply jive with each other. When we are living in alignment with ourselves, it’s easy. Think about your best friend. I assume there was not a lot of effort that caused the two of you to become best friends. It was just a few conversations. You were strangers, you hung out, you really connected, so you hung out some more. Without effort; without motivation; without “I hope this person will be my future best friend” when you’ve only just gotten to know them. Instead, we think “that person was cool, I hope we hang out again sometime”, and it is not clouded with a yearning; with a desperate sense of “oh I hope they call”. Over time and over many conversations, that person grew naturally into your best friend.

You never say to your buddy, “hey, we need to talk about our relationship because I want to be best friends with you and there are some things that are not working”. It is not fight after fight, There is not an effort to change a lot of things, or make a large amount of compromises.

It developed naturally. It developed without assumption or expectation. The relationship happened almost without any effort from yourself. It happened easily; like a tree pushing through rock.

If this hasn’t happened for you, be gentle with yourself. You just haven’t met them yet.

Martin Buber's I-Thou Relationships

In the midst of creating my last blog post; Objectifying Others, I was given a ten page paper to complete about Martin Buber’s I and Thou relationships. I smiled at the coincidence, for Buber and I share some of the same perspectives when it comes to the ways in which people interact with one another. The following is an excerpt from that paper:

We live in a world of objects; of things. We desire ownership, finding fulfillment in acquiring worldly possessions, priding ourselves of these possessions and seeking refuge in them. Yet we are left without sustenance. We long for something more, and struggle with trying to discover what this something  is.

Our culture has taught us how to use the world around us for self-gratification. We interact with possessions as if expecting them to meet our fundamental needs. Unfortunately, this mentality has extended into our interpersonal relationships. By being taught how to use material goods for self gain, we have unconsciously learned how to do the same thing with each other; interacting with one another in the same manner. People have turned into things; objects for us to use in order to sustain ourselves. Unfortunately, the very act of seeing each other as objects has prevented us from finding meaning. We are unable to find that which we really seek, that which our souls find sustaining. In seeing each other as objects, we have lost relationship. And it is relationship that makes us human.

Martin Buber addresses this issue by discussing I-It versus I-Thou relationships. For Buber, an I-It relationship is a subjective relationship where the It is experienced and utilized by the I. An I-Thou relationship refers to the joining of identities that occurs when two people come together in an authentic, meaningful way.

An I-It relationship represents the world of experiences. When we experience the world, the experience does not take place between the world and ourselves; rather, the experience happens within us. For example, they way we experience sound has to do with how our brain interprets the sound waves coming from the external environment. The experience has very little to do with the outside world, and has everything to do with the individual doing the experiencing. The world, although available to be experienced, does not participate in that experience. “It permits itself to be experienced, but has no concern in the matter” (Buber, 2004, p. 13).

The I-Thou relationship represents the world of relations. In an I-Thou relationship, we do not experience one another, rather we stand in relation to one another. This relation does not happen within the I or the Thou, rather, it happens between the I and Thou. When we stand in relation with one another, the I is shared, and the Thou is accepted. Meaning happens in I-Thou relationships because this is a place where walls come down, masks come off, and real connection occurs. In a sense, by joining with another, we are able to meet ourselves; thus finding meaning.

What is meaningful can only be acquired through what is real. Connection to It is not real connection at all. We cannot have connection with an object. We can only have connection with another. It is here, and only here, where true sharing of self can exist. For the individual who lives in I-It relationships, “his life never attains to a meaning, for it is composed of means which are without significance in themselves” (Friedman, 2002, p. 77). For the individual in an I-Thou relationship, meaning is attained because the joining is significant.

As I’ve mentioned before, the way relationships are understood and acted out in our society is reflected in the language we use. We ignorantly say phrases like “the object of my affection” and “my better half” without thinking about what these simple phrases imply. These phrases imply I-It relationships. These phrases are about what the other person is in regards to the self, that is, how the self experiences them. If the It in these phrases were to no longer be experienced by the I in the same way, their value would change dramatically in regards to the I. This is because their relationship is based on how the I is experiencing them. “I am experiencing you as the object of my affection, but if our situation changes, and I no longer experience you as such, your value to me changes”. For so many people, love “cling(s) to the I in such a way as to have the Thou only for its content, its object” (2004, p. 19). Love is about what the I experiences, and relationships are conditioned based on this experience.

In contrast, I-Thou relationships are not about experience. They are not about us giving our affection to someone or having our needs met by another. To meet Thou, one must step out of oneself; out of the realm of experience. To meet Thou, one must be open and still, without expectation, without a future plan or an alternate motive. As long as our language speaks of others in context of the role they fill for the self, we can never be in I-Thou relationship. 

So how do we create I-Thou relationships as opposed to I-It relationships? For Buber, Thou is not found by seeking, rather it is met through grace. The moment that we start to seek; the moment that we start to look for someone to fulfill a role for us, or meet a need, we are setting up a predisposition for an I-It relationship. Thou is found by existing in the moment and allowing I to be authentic and real. Thou is found when there are no expectations, no hopes or assumptions. The present is the only thing that matters, and in the present, one is able to join with the other by giving up their I, not by satisfying it. For an I-Thou relationship to occur, there can be no end goal, there is no trying or creating, there just is. This is freedom. It is in this freedom that Thou can be found; not by actively seeking, but by gracefuly allowing.

Books Cited:

Buber, M. (2004). I and Thou. T&T Clark LTD: London.

Friedman, M. S. (2002). Martin Buber: The Life of Dialogue. Routledge: London.

Objectifying Others

Recently, I posted a link on facebook about effective communication. As I posted the link, a picture came up of a book entitled Catch Him and Keep Him. I scowled at the message, and considered removing the link. Instead I asked my friend, who I was staying with at the time, “what do you think of the title, Catch Him and Keep Him?” She turned her nose up and said “men aren’t fish” satisfied that at least one other person can validate my thoughts, I left the link up, and decided to address the issue here.

This title is reflective of a cultural mentality that governs our relationships. This cultural mentality says we should be seeking a romantic partner as if they were prey. Love is about “catching” something and holding on to it. It’s an active experience where you, the seeker, must be a certain way in order to capture some end product. We’ve turned the other into an object before we’ve even met him or her.

Language is a powerful tool. Our choice of words determine meaning. Language manipulates the way we define the world, the mental picture we create that helps us understand our concepts. Think of how one’s mental definition of their romantic partner changes when she describes him as “someone I connect with as more than a friend” or “the man who understands me better than most” compared to “my new boyfriend” or “my sugar daddy” or “a good catch”.

There are so many implications to the phrases we use to describe relationships, and we ignorantly speak these phrases without considering their implications. The language present in our current culture reflects a mentality of objectification; “catch him and keep him”, “the object of my affection”, “she’s a nice piece of eye candy”, the list is endless.

No wonder so many people feel their relationships lack connection. We cannot connect to objects. It’s impossible to truly open ourselves up to things. So when we create a mental definition of boyfriend as an item (whether we do this intentionally or not), we’ve already put up a barrier that prevents honest connection. By understanding him as an item to be utilized, or a thing to fill a specific, intended role, we are unable to meet with him in a mutual person-to-person way.

So when I hear people say “I really need a man”, or “Why don’t you go and get a boyfriend?”, I cringe. You do not need a man the way you need water. I should not go and get a boyfriend the way I go and get a new pair of shoes. Fulfilling relationships don’t work this way. Fulfilling relationships only happen when we join with another in connection without expectation. As soon as we seek someone to fill a role for us or meet a certain demand, we have turned them into an object. In this objectification, there is no room for mutual joining.

Taking the time to "Deal with myself".

In the film Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert says “Since I was 15 I have either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy, I haven’t had so much as two weeks just to deal with myself”

Honest words by a brilliant writer, reflecting so many people’s stories.

I have not seen the film Eat, Pray, Love, but I have read the book. Insightful and clarifying. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has ever had a relationship end. The movie might be good too.

“Since I was 15 I have either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy, I haven’t had so much as two weeks just to deal with myself”. We live in a world that rushes. From the moment we get out of bed, we are on the go. Shower is quick, coffee pot is timed, agenda is full, the car is already running, and you’re already at your first meeting before your shoes are on.

We live in a world that rushes. We are onto the next project before the current one is even completed, no spaces in between. This works in the business world. Be in a hurry, have a lot on the go, “onwards and upwards”. In the business world, this is known as being productive, taking initiative. It leads to success.

This mentality does not, however, lead to success in relationships, which is maybe why so many people are struggling with relationships in this progress-driven society.

“I haven’t had so much as two weeks just to deal with myself”. Elizabeth Gilbert decides to break this pattern. She gives herself a year. A year of space. A year of stillness. A year of Elizabeth Gilbert. Since the age of fifteen she has been building relationships with others, while neglecting her relationship with herself. Without a strong relationship with herself, who was she bringing to these relationships?

Many people do this, onto the next relationship without finding proper closure from the previous one; without redefining where they stand with themselves “onwards and upwards”. “I’ve just got to keep moving forward” is a phrase I hear regularly. My question is; “What’s wrong with sitting still?”

Sitting still gives you the chance to sort through the baggage, to reflect on the previous relationship, to reflect on who you are and how you’ve changed. Sitting still give you the chance to reestablish old friendships and reconnect with the activities that make you whole. It gives you the chance to find yourself again, and wouldn’t it be great if the person you brought to your next relationship was a strong sense of YOU?

Here’s a question to ask yourself; how long was your last relationship with You? How long-term was that commitment?

Since the age of 15, Liz had been creating two-week relationships with herself (not a whole lot of relationship building can happen in two weeks). In the book she challenges herself to a year long commitment; a commitment I feel is worth making. The relationship with yourself needs to be the strongest, it is the only relationship that is guaranteed to last a lifetime.

*If looking for a good, enlightening read, I highly recommend Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

*If looking for a simple, point-driven read, The Rules of Love by Richard Templar is fantastic.

*If looking for an insightful, purifying ready, The Wise Heart by Jack Kornfield was spiritually-stilling.

The Difference Between Doing and Being Good For Each Other

Essentially, there are two factors necessary for a solid relationship; you need to do good for each other and you need to be good for each other.

To do good for each other is easy. It’s the stuff you see in all the movies, it’s your top ten lists in all sorts of magazines; buy flowers, write a letter about your feelings, cook a surprise meal, give a back rub…..

I’m sure you could make your own detailed and creative list (and I highly recommend you do!)

Doing good for each other is important. It lets the other know that you care about them, and that you do not take them for granted (which is a very easy habit to fall into, especially in long term relationships). I suggest doing on a daily basis, even if it’s something small like washing bath towels.

I’ve heard that the best relationships are 60/40 (not 50/50 as some would assume). That means both couples do 60% and expect his/her partner to do 40%. When you expect 60% from yourself, you pay more attention to the little things your partner does, and become less focused on what your partner “owes you”. Rather than paying attention to what your partner should be doing, you are putting attention into finding creative ways to one-up your partner, and when both people are doing this, beautiful things can transpire.

Doing is not enough, which contradicts everything those movies and magazines will tell you. You can’t get the girl simply by buying her flowers and complimenting her skirt. That boy wont necessarily sweep you off your feet because you batted your eyelashes and laughed at his jokes. Sure these are all ways of expressing initial interest and it might score you a couple of dates. But deep, satisfying relationships demand more: they demand that you be good for each other.

Being good for each other is a harder thing to achieve. This is about compatibility, which you can’t fake. It’s easy to do (especially in our action driven society). It’s much harder to be.

Being good for each other means sharing the same values. This is about honoring each other’s beliefs and connecting at a core level. It is about enjoying the same interests, and wanting the same things in life. Being good for each other is about authentic partnership; knowing each other on a level that is supportive and meaningful.

Finding someone who is good for you is difficult because it involves being patient. It is about being familiar enough with yourself to recognize your own values, beliefs, interests, and goals. When these are clear to you as a single person, you are more likely to recognize when someone enters your life with compatible values, beliefs, interests, and goals.

It does not take much awareness to recognize that we live in a society full of mediocre relationships; people just going with the flow because they don’t like the thought of being alone. Five years later these people cannot understand why they are unhappy, why they are fighting more than understanding, why they just don’t line up. “I’m doing everything I should be” they often exclaim. Yes. But what are they being?  Are they being authentic? Are they being their true selves?

If you are in a relationship where you are good for each other; all that is important lines up and this person feels right for you, congratulations. You’ve found what so many people are looking for. Remember to do. The best of relationships have their downtime. Life gets in the way of the relationship, human experience interferes with that connection, there are times when it is hard to tend to each other. Remember to do, even if it’s just little things. If all you have energy for is to play with his hair as you fall asleep, do it.

It’s the being that creates the relationship. It’s the doing that maintains it.