Taking the time to "Deal with myself".

In the film Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert says “Since I was 15 I have either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy, I haven’t had so much as two weeks just to deal with myself”

Honest words by a brilliant writer, reflecting so many people’s stories.

I have not seen the film Eat, Pray, Love, but I have read the book. Insightful and clarifying. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has ever had a relationship end. The movie might be good too.

“Since I was 15 I have either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy, I haven’t had so much as two weeks just to deal with myself”. We live in a world that rushes. From the moment we get out of bed, we are on the go. Shower is quick, coffee pot is timed, agenda is full, the car is already running, and you’re already at your first meeting before your shoes are on.

We live in a world that rushes. We are onto the next project before the current one is even completed, no spaces in between. This works in the business world. Be in a hurry, have a lot on the go, “onwards and upwards”. In the business world, this is known as being productive, taking initiative. It leads to success.

This mentality does not, however, lead to success in relationships, which is maybe why so many people are struggling with relationships in this progress-driven society.

“I haven’t had so much as two weeks just to deal with myself”. Elizabeth Gilbert decides to break this pattern. She gives herself a year. A year of space. A year of stillness. A year of Elizabeth Gilbert. Since the age of fifteen she has been building relationships with others, while neglecting her relationship with herself. Without a strong relationship with herself, who was she bringing to these relationships?

Many people do this, onto the next relationship without finding proper closure from the previous one; without redefining where they stand with themselves “onwards and upwards”. “I’ve just got to keep moving forward” is a phrase I hear regularly. My question is; “What’s wrong with sitting still?”

Sitting still gives you the chance to sort through the baggage, to reflect on the previous relationship, to reflect on who you are and how you’ve changed. Sitting still give you the chance to reestablish old friendships and reconnect with the activities that make you whole. It gives you the chance to find yourself again, and wouldn’t it be great if the person you brought to your next relationship was a strong sense of YOU?

Here’s a question to ask yourself; how long was your last relationship with You? How long-term was that commitment?

Since the age of 15, Liz had been creating two-week relationships with herself (not a whole lot of relationship building can happen in two weeks). In the book she challenges herself to a year long commitment; a commitment I feel is worth making. The relationship with yourself needs to be the strongest, it is the only relationship that is guaranteed to last a lifetime.

*If looking for a good, enlightening read, I highly recommend Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

*If looking for a simple, point-driven read, The Rules of Love by Richard Templar is fantastic.

*If looking for an insightful, purifying ready, The Wise Heart by Jack Kornfield was spiritually-stilling.

The Difference Between Doing and Being Good For Each Other

Essentially, there are two factors necessary for a solid relationship; you need to do good for each other and you need to be good for each other.

To do good for each other is easy. It’s the stuff you see in all the movies, it’s your top ten lists in all sorts of magazines; buy flowers, write a letter about your feelings, cook a surprise meal, give a back rub…..

I’m sure you could make your own detailed and creative list (and I highly recommend you do!)

Doing good for each other is important. It lets the other know that you care about them, and that you do not take them for granted (which is a very easy habit to fall into, especially in long term relationships). I suggest doing on a daily basis, even if it’s something small like washing bath towels.

I’ve heard that the best relationships are 60/40 (not 50/50 as some would assume). That means both couples do 60% and expect his/her partner to do 40%. When you expect 60% from yourself, you pay more attention to the little things your partner does, and become less focused on what your partner “owes you”. Rather than paying attention to what your partner should be doing, you are putting attention into finding creative ways to one-up your partner, and when both people are doing this, beautiful things can transpire.

Doing is not enough, which contradicts everything those movies and magazines will tell you. You can’t get the girl simply by buying her flowers and complimenting her skirt. That boy wont necessarily sweep you off your feet because you batted your eyelashes and laughed at his jokes. Sure these are all ways of expressing initial interest and it might score you a couple of dates. But deep, satisfying relationships demand more: they demand that you be good for each other.

Being good for each other is a harder thing to achieve. This is about compatibility, which you can’t fake. It’s easy to do (especially in our action driven society). It’s much harder to be.

Being good for each other means sharing the same values. This is about honoring each other’s beliefs and connecting at a core level. It is about enjoying the same interests, and wanting the same things in life. Being good for each other is about authentic partnership; knowing each other on a level that is supportive and meaningful.

Finding someone who is good for you is difficult because it involves being patient. It is about being familiar enough with yourself to recognize your own values, beliefs, interests, and goals. When these are clear to you as a single person, you are more likely to recognize when someone enters your life with compatible values, beliefs, interests, and goals.

It does not take much awareness to recognize that we live in a society full of mediocre relationships; people just going with the flow because they don’t like the thought of being alone. Five years later these people cannot understand why they are unhappy, why they are fighting more than understanding, why they just don’t line up. “I’m doing everything I should be” they often exclaim. Yes. But what are they being?  Are they being authentic? Are they being their true selves?

If you are in a relationship where you are good for each other; all that is important lines up and this person feels right for you, congratulations. You’ve found what so many people are looking for. Remember to do. The best of relationships have their downtime. Life gets in the way of the relationship, human experience interferes with that connection, there are times when it is hard to tend to each other. Remember to do, even if it’s just little things. If all you have energy for is to play with his hair as you fall asleep, do it.

It’s the being that creates the relationship. It’s the doing that maintains it.