Coping With The Single Life

There are people who seem unable to cope without a significant other. They struggle when a relationship ends, not just because they mourn the loss of that relationship, but more because they do not like being single. It is not so much the person that they miss, but the role that person played. Some people are uncomfortable when they are not in a relationship. They struggle with spending time alone and the moment one relationship ends, they are on to the next.

I say be single, even if it’s a challenge. Be single and build that relationship with yourself because once you are living in a strong sense of me, once you are living in a strong sense of who I am; and feeling grounded in your self awareness, being single wont hurt any more. In fact, being single will feel good.  And when being single starts to feel good, it is a sign that you’ve created a healthy relationship with yourself.

Being in a healthy relationship with yourself encompasses being true to yourself. It is a consequence of living a life that is in alignment with your higher self. When this becomes your reality, you will be open to meeting someone who lines up with this higher self; someone who mirrors and supports who you really are. And then that relationship will feel good. Being single will feel good, and then when the time comes, being in an appropriate relationship will feel good. Creating a relationship with someone who meshes with who you are will feel so much better then jumping from relationship to relationship with random people who may or may not be compatible with you. It will feel better than picking people at random.

Let’s say, hypothetically, you get married when you are 30 years old (I’m not saying that there’s a deadline), that gives you the next 60 years of your life (approximately) to be with that person. That’s a long time. Why are there so many people struggling in their first 30 years of being single? Enjoy those thirty years of being single; don’t waste them. It’s only a small portion of your life.

When I see people at the age of fifteen, struggling with the idea of being single, or struggling because they don’t know how to be single, and they spend the next 10-15 years feeling this way, I can’t help but mourn for them. I feel sad for these young people because those are years wasted.

Talk to people who have been married for forty years. A lot of them miss the days when they were single. Why would you ever want something that you don’t have? Enjoy what you have. When you are single, enjoy it and love it. When you are in a relationship, enjoy it and love it. There is no point in wishing for the other. Suffering comes from wanting what we don't have and from desperatly seeking that which we are not ready for. Love what you have. Love where you're at.

Let It Happen Naturally

Humans connect naturally. It is a natural instinct for us. When we meet people who share common interests, when we meet people who line up with us, we bond with them. This process is easy. There is no trying involved. You do not try to breath. You do not try to eat. You just do it. You do it because it is easy and it feels natural.

Some people believe that they do have to try; “I have to go for coffee with this person, I have to listen to them, I have to try to understand their opinions about life, and agree with those opinions. I have to make changes in myself, and I have to ask them to make changes. It takes effort in order for us to relate.”

Those relationships often lead to resentment and end up being unfulfilling. Relationships where both people are trying, don’t usually last. I have heard people compare a previous, mediocre relationships to a current, fulfilling one (one in which they created without trying); “this new relationship takes so little work, it’s effortless and is so much better”

Yeah, life is meant to be effortless.

There are some things that you do have to try for; Basketball for example. That is something you have to go out and try for. You will never know unless you try. You are not going to know if you are good at basketball unless you go out there and run the court, and shoot a few hoops, and make an effort.

But a relationship is not a skill that you either do or do not have. It is not something that you try to achieve. Relationships happen to all people. Relationships are not like basketball, relationships are like breathing. When you are connecting with someone else who is in alignment with who you are, there is no trying. Relationships unfold naturally.

So how does one stop seeking and start allowing the natural process? Build a relationship with yourself. Participate in activities and interact with close friends who remind you of who you really are. You will start to meet new people. We meet new people daily (many of us are just too closed off to recognize this). Enjoy these new people. Laugh together, talk together, participate in activities together. Without that mental habit of “maybe this is the one”. Enjoy these new people without attaching strings. With no assumptions. When you meet someone who seems to line up with your thoughts, values, and beliefs; when you sense that you want to spend more time with this person, arrange to do so. With no strings attached. Do not let your purpose for proposing coffee be because you no longer want to be single, let it be because you genuinely enjoy this person’s company, no matter the role they may or may not play in your life. Go for coffee, hang out, get to know each other better. The relationship will start to unfold naturally.

Pay attention to your next unromantic relationship. Maybe it’s the person who sits behind you in math class, maybe it’s the girl who just joined your swim team. Pay attention to how that relationship unfolds. My suspicion is it is going to happen without pressure, without any forced effort on your behalf. A romantic relationship will happen the same way.