Recently, I posted a link on facebook about effective communication. As I posted the link, a picture came up of a book entitled Catch Him and Keep Him. I scowled at the message, and considered removing the link. Instead I asked my friend, who I was staying with at the time, “what do you think of the title, Catch Him and Keep Him?” She turned her nose up and said “men aren’t fish” satisfied that at least one other person can validate my thoughts, I left the link up, and decided to address the issue here.
This title is reflective of a cultural mentality that governs our relationships. This cultural mentality says we should be seeking a romantic partner as if they were prey. Love is about “catching” something and holding on to it. It’s an active experience where you, the seeker, must be a certain way in order to capture some end product. We’ve turned the other into an object before we’ve even met him or her.
Language is a powerful tool. Our choice of words determine meaning. Language manipulates the way we define the world, the mental picture we create that helps us understand our concepts. Think of how one’s mental definition of their romantic partner changes when she describes him as “someone I connect with as more than a friend” or “the man who understands me better than most” compared to “my new boyfriend” or “my sugar daddy” or “a good catch”.
There are so many implications to the phrases we use to describe relationships, and we ignorantly speak these phrases without considering their implications. The language present in our current culture reflects a mentality of objectification; “catch him and keep him”, “the object of my affection”, “she’s a nice piece of eye candy”, the list is endless.
No wonder so many people feel their relationships lack connection. We cannot connect to objects. It’s impossible to truly open ourselves up to things. So when we create a mental definition of boyfriend as an item (whether we do this intentionally or not), we’ve already put up a barrier that prevents honest connection. By understanding him as an item to be utilized, or a thing to fill a specific, intended role, we are unable to meet with him in a mutual person-to-person way.
So when I hear people say “I really need a man”, or “Why don’t you go and get a boyfriend?”, I cringe. You do not need a man the way you need water. I should not go and get a boyfriend the way I go and get a new pair of shoes. Fulfilling relationships don’t work this way. Fulfilling relationships only happen when we join with another in connection without expectation. As soon as we seek someone to fill a role for us or meet a certain demand, we have turned them into an object. In this objectification, there is no room for mutual joining.
I feel that on line dating sites play on the objectification of people but I won't say any more about that. Also when you objectify a person if infers that you care possess or own that person but the truth is the only way to own a person is to make them your slave. And so our ability to make that 'mutual connection' is what we need to cultivate.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see the finished product you were working on. I absolutely agree. I think that we live in such a materialized society that we refer our relationships to being a "thing" rather than a relationship. Rather than having a true connection with the other person, we resort to the narratives that society has constructed of what social roles we play in our relationships. To imply that one has to catch a man and keep him places a social pressure on women that they are defected if the relationship goes sour. This also implies that men are objects for the taking rather than people in a relationship. To objectify another person is to de-humanize them and it is impossible for one to connect with another in such a relationship.
ReplyDeleteLanguage is such a powerful tool. I have never read this book, and unfortunately it is one that I probably never will given the language of the title implies a kind of relationship that I would never want. To be in relationship with someone, one has to accept the person for a person, not an object that can be tossed away when certain pre-conceived expectations are not met.